ADHD – Fear of Failure
Failure is never an easy thing to experience. I’ve always had such a negative association with it. As if failure defined who I was.
In fact, one of my earliest experiences of failure was in kindergarten (roughly 4 or 5 years old) I scored a 95% on a test. I missed ONE question. I cried so hysterically they had to call my mother. Now you’re probably thinking that my parents were super strict and my negative relationship with failure is entirely their fault. That’s very much not the case. They just wanted me to learn and I don’t think they had any concerns considering I was reading levels above my year. Yet I still was filled with this overwhelming sense of frustration and disappointment (strong feelings I didn’t quite understand how to process at such an early age).
I still can’t pinpoint why I had such a strong reaction to what now seems like a small thing at that age. That mentality followed me well into my college years. This fear of failure would inevitably cause me to hit my breaking point (one of many).
The first breaking point
The first breaking point would be in middle school (around 11 years old) where I would sit in class and not be able to fully comprehend the lessons. Now this was a rude awakening considering that I was in the “gifted and talented” program in elementary. This program would have around 5 students from my grade who would be pulled out of everyday curriculum to study more advanced topics like algebra, biology, brain games, etc. I felt like I was special because in my mind “only the smartest kids” got to be in this program. Let’s fast forward to middle school, where the topics were no longer interesting, and I wasn’t being pulled out of class to study things that actually interested me. Suddenly I couldn’t focus anymore and I would find myself crying everyday. I couldn’t understand how I was suddenly “stupid” and I felt so far behind. After many breakdowns my mother would eventually take me to the doctor where I was diagnosed with ADHD. Somehow I felt like I could breathe again, because this meant that I wasn’t stupid, my brain just worked differently.
The Second Breaking Point
With my newfound diagnosis, I had to learn different strategies to help me study. Different strategies that would help my brain understand. I was extremely good at masking my troubles. Somehow I was my high school valedictorian with a perfect GPA. I remember giving my speech and all I could of was “Oh god, now I’m going to have to get a perfect GPA in college too. I barely made it in high school.”
College was whirlwind of emotions. Not only did I have to study for classes, but I had so much more responsibility. All of my classmates were getting amazing scores and I was barely scraping by. I received my first failing grade in my entire life. My professor pulled me aside and said, “I know you know the material. I don’t understand why your grades don’t reflect that.” Eventually (after several minutes of crying) I admitted to myself that my ADHD was interfering with my school. I asked for special accommodations where I could take the test in a room free from distractions. It was night and day. I aced the next exam.
Asking for Help
Why are we concerned about asking for help? I was so afraid of failing I would put myself through excruciating study routines and putting my health at risk. There were days were I decided that sleeping and eating weren’t that important if I could be using that time to study. I was so concerned with people not thinking that I needed help. People needed to believe that I was fully capable on my own. While yes, I did prove that I could do it on my own, it was at what cost? My mental health?
I proved that once I admitted I needed help I flourished. Sometimes success didn’t look like straight A’s but instead it meant a good nights rest or taking a test in a different room. My relationship with failure has improved. I’m still working on building a good relationship with my ADHD but I have high hopes I will get to a point where I’m satisfied.
